One thing that fits snugly into the category of things that cannot be changed is our pasts. They are what they are, unchangeable. Yet so often, we tend to invest more time into our pasts instead of turning our eyes to God and looking forward to the opportunities to come. I'm just as guilty as the next person. I've spent the last few days with family celebrating Thanksgiving and being appreciative of what God has blessed me with but I still look back in that rearview mirror of my life.
My past isn't pretty but it's not nearly as bad as a lot of folks I know. There are several things that I wish I could change about my past. I wish I could have made better choices when I was younger. I wish I hadn't passed up the opportunity to attend Shennandoah College on a scholarship through my church. I wish I had trusted God the first time I walked down the aisle to get married instead of rushing ahead with my own fantasies of what I wanted. I wish I had a better relationship with certain people in my life. I wish I could have been a stay at home parent when Matthew was younger. I wish that when Chris and I married and blended our families, that I could have better bridged that gap between Jonathan and myself. I wish Chris and I had never drifted away from God. And I wish that time was on my side so that I could still be making memories with my Grampa and my mother in law.
But after typing all those wishes, I can see where God has used each one of them to bless me and to focus my eyes to him. Let's break each one down, shall we?
1. Better choices when I was younger. Part of growing up is learning how to be independent and make choices that are responsible. Through working through this process, I learned to rely on God. To trust God's promises. Through watching my parents grow in their faith, I have learned to grow in mine as well and have decided, you're never too old to trust and obey.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
2. Passed up a college scholarship and education at Shennandoah College. Even though I didn't attend this college, I still have a college degree that I am proud of. I am the only one in my family that has one and I cherish it. I worked hard for that degree and it taught me that hard work is rewarded. Would it have made my parents more proud for me to attend a college in Winchester, Virginia and use the scholarship I had received through our church, well I'm sure it would have but by not going, I changed my path and God used what I gave him to build up my spiritual gifts and learn to do works for the Lord. As Barbara Johnson once said, "You can't climb the ladder of life with your hands in your pockets".
3. My first marriage. While my first marriage ended, I was gifted with the greatest possible gift from that marriage, Matthew. I may be saddened by the end of that relationship but I am overjoyed at how God used that broken relationship to build me up. Children are a gift to us. We have been entrusted to care for them until God calls them home to him. Matthew is named Matthew because it means "Gift of the Lord", and that my dear friends is exactly what he is. As I enter into the next phase in Matthew's life, the dreaded teen years, I know that God is with me and more importantly, with him. I want to be the example for him on how to put God first. How to trust God. How to be faithful.
Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3
4. Better relationships. There will always be people in my life who see the glass half empty instead of full. People who just aren't happy unless everyone else is miserable but here's the great news that I have learned over the years...as a Christian, I can keep a smile on my face. I can be gracious, forgiving, and loving just as the Father would be. I can choose to surround myself with people who choose to build me up in the Lord rather than bringing me down. It has taken me many years to learn this lesson but it's a lesson God has taken the time to make sure I heard.
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:12
5. Being a stay at home parent. God's timing is impeccable. God has made it possible for me to be an at home parent for Matthew at this particular time in his life. Matthew is growing and changing so much and these years are, I think, even more important than the beginning of his life. These are the years where his body is changing, he's growing more independent, and these above all, are the years he will remember when he becomes an adult. I appreciate so much that I am able to be home with him as he continues to grow. I love that I am the last one to see him off to school in the morning and the first one to hear about his day in the afternoon. I love that I am able to be at every soccer practice, soccer game, school event, everything! I don't have to choose between work or Matthew. Matthew always wins. I love that I have a husband who provides for us through a job that God gifted us with and an income that allows us to live comfortably. God's plans always come together in his time, not ours.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
6. Jonathan. I have to defer to #5. God's timing is miraculous. While I may not have had the best relationship with Jon when he was younger, we are taking steps to start building a better relationship in his adulthood. I pray for Jonathan often and have seen the rewards by him telling me, he loves me. He moved me to tears in just those three little words. God can take anything, no matter how damaged it may appear, and turn it into a blessing when we are ready and open to receive it.
"We also have joy with our troubles, becasue we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces charactre, and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4
7. Our relationship with God. I've written about it hundreds of times but it's become part of me. Sewn into my flesh, forever part of what I've become today. Nothing brings you to your knees faster than fear. Chris and I were ignorant fools. We were gloating in materialistic nonsense and not spending time in the Word, in prayers, at church, or even tithing. That my dear friends is no more. God will humble you until you turn your eyes upward. It took us being without a job for over 4 months, listing a home for sale that took 3 years to sell, moving not once but twice across the country to really put all our trust in God and trust his will for us. It didn't have to be that hard but since Chris and I are hard-headed, God had to knock us around a bit for us to see the bigger picture. But through faith and perseverence, we were rewarded. Living in Savannah is such a blessing. We have become more invovled in our church. We have been baptized as adults, together to reaffirm our faith in God. We are living with Christian values and raising Matthew with those values. We are in the Word daily. We are in Bible studies, ministries, outreach programs, WE ARE SERVING! But most of all, we are tithing. I remember my Gramma telling me one time that while their budget may have been tight, there was always something in the bank and she firmly believed it was because God got the first of their fruits. God doesn't get sloppy leftovers in this house. Our first 10% each paycheck goes to God. It feels so good to be on God's path, finally! God has taught us that even though there will be storms on our path, he's gonna dance there right along with us!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
8. Memories. Yesterday and today mark the 10 month mark on losing both my Grampa and my mother in law (MIL). I miss them both and some days are worse than others. With the holiday season upon us, I feel their absence even more. But I had the opportunity to create memories with them. I had 38 years with my Grampa. 38 years of his laugh, his smile, his strength, his excitement, his passion, his sarcastic whit, his love for life. I still have days where I wish I could call and hear him say "Well Hi Sweetheart". I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss the twinkle in his eye when he would tell us a story from back in the day. I miss our inside jokes we always shared. But regardless of how much I miss him, I know where he is and who he gets to see. One of the most treasured gifts I could have ever been given was his pocket Bible. I love how we both have some of the same verses marked. I will treasure every memory of him until I am able to celebrate with him again around the family table. I have a lot of the same emotions for Sue, my MIL. My heart aches for my husband for I couldn't imagine going through Christmas without my mom. I miss getting phone calls from Sue and her chatting about everything going on in NJ. I miss hearing her say, "Hi Hon" when I answered the phone. But how lucky is she and Grampa that they get to celebrate Christ's birthday with him in heaven this year. I know that they will both be waiting to greet me when God calls me home. Saying goodbye to both of them this year has been tough but it was time for them to go home. ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! (Matthew 25:21)....well done....
We all have so many things in our pasts that we wish we could have changed or done differently, we're human. But God has so many blessings, opportunities, and plans awaiting us if we would just let go. Yes, our pasts are part of us. They make us who we are today. Patsy Clairmont is quoted saying, "Our yesterdays teach us how to savor our todays and tomorrows". Kay Arthur tells us to "shake the dust from our pasts, and move forward in His promises". So if you've had a difficult past, accept it, embrace it, learn from it, and move on! Don't waste too much time here in the precious present worrying over memories that you can't change. Wouldn't it be so much sweeter to trust God's plan for our future? I mean, truth be told, the future is where everything that's going to happen to you from this moment on is going to take place. Let Go, Let God....So long rearview mirror...onward and upward my friend.
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